time to stand
My husband gave me an Apple Watch for Christmas; I wear it every day. When I see others wearing their Apple Watches, I ask them about how they use them as I am curious. My research has shown me that people tend to fall into two camps. The first camp has programmed their watch to do everything from count steps to run their Fortune 500 company. The other camp has yet to set up their watch, or buy any additional apps and are just happy when the watch is charged. I am firmly in the second camp. (But let’s leave this between you and me. Don’t tell my husband.)
A few weeks ago, I was attending a church service when we were still able to do so. It was one of those very expressive, arms in the air, rock and roll music which you either love or hate (I happen to love) when the words to a praise song flashed across the stage, “Time to stand.” And at that very moment my watch vibrated and caught my attention. I looked down and it said “time to stand.”
Ok, so it’s time to stand. That’s cool. I believe in signs. I think we get them all of the time; sometimes they are subtle, found in the awe and beauty of a rainbow or the unusual appearance of a particular bird. This felt loud. This felt like a megaphone in my ear, not a whisper, not a tap, but a shove.
What did it mean? At church, the congregation stood together to join in and sing collectively. So, yes, physically it was time to stand. Maybe some would leave it at that. I could not.
I spent the next few days mulling over those words: time to stand. I told a few my story. “What do you think it means?” I processed. I probed. To say that I like to understand and analyze is probably an understatement. I have been known to pull something apart so completely that I am left with nothing but shredded scraps. I spent my time doing just that and reveling in the pieces.
I considered the fact that I was receiving this sign at the exact same time that I was embarking upon the creation of my website and this propelled me forward. (Sometimes we can make signs mean what we want them to mean.) I considered the fear that has been stirred up in the process. I considered the gifts that I have received through writing a column for a local paper every three weeks, and the incredible learning that has accompanied the process of writing, and how it has sustained me and grown me and surprised me.
It is scary to pursue a new venture, and as I worked towards the launch date of the site, I have felt increasingly frightened. I try to talk the fear down, like I’d speak to our puppy, Sailor. “Down Sailor. Down Fear.” And I think, What if, what if, what if? And I borrow advice given to me in my early days of sobriety and I act as if, as if I am brave, as if I am prepared, and I do this until the fear subsides.
I have been so thankful to those who have been cheering me on. I have needed the encouragement to drown out my reservations; we all need that encouragement from time to time. One of my favorite quotes comes from The Talmud and it says “Every blade of grass has its angel that bends over it and whispers ‘Grow, grow.’ ” I gave this quote to the nurses who took care of our son when he was sick. But I think of it now, because I am aware of so many who are whispering to me, “Grow, grow.“
The greatest gift that I have received from writing these past few years has been the gift of connection. I have found that connection in the aisles of the grocery store, at cocktail parties, through email and comments on social media. The connection is less about the actual feedback on an individual piece, both positive and negative, and more about the stories and feelings that I have shared and that have resonated. And in turn, my readers have revealed to me bits of their stories, and that has been the greatest pleasure of all.
I know my story isn’t unique, and while the details may differ, sometimes the feelings strike a similar chord. There are many who have suffered more, lost more and have less. And there are many who have accomplished more, accumulated more and are more. And yet, I have found such beauty and hope in the connections made through shared experiences or shared emotions, through shared adversity or shared success and through the sharing of our own stories openly and willingly. And this is the inspiration behind the site, and my Pieces. These connections, for me, are The Icing on The Cake.
I hope you will take a moment to explore the site. On it you will find a section called Now What where I will highlight stories about transition and grit and perseverance. Maybe I am amidst my own personal now what; our children are older and our house quieter. I have been there before at other crossroads in my life. Some of them have been big, like when the nurses put our firstborn into my arms, or small, like when my car gave out in the middle of Route 1. Sometimes we create these moments and prepare for them and sometimes they surprise us. Just when we thought everything was going as planned, as we planned, everything changes. Now What?
Shine a Light will illuminate those stories that inspire and remind us that even in the darkest places there is hope and love. Sometimes we may need to search for it, but it is there. I find it in the words of others. I find it just out the back door, in the sun rising on the Long Island Sound, but mostly, I find it in those who are able to put their own needs aside to help their fellow man. I see it in their sacrifice, sacrifice of time and money and comfort and joy. I see it in the creative ways they look for solutions in times of trouble. These moments of inspiration are so good for our soul. They are contagious, and deserving of light and recognition. We will shine a light on these stories, and scream them from the mountain top, maybe just loud enough to overcome the negativity that can be so prevalent in our culture.
I would be honored to have you join me in this endeavor, because alone, it is nothing. The Icing on the Cake is about creating connection and community and right now we need that. We need to cheer each other on whether we are continuing on a set path or pivoting, and we need to bring light to those stories that inspire us. Together, we need to take down the fear that limits us.
My watch vibrates, reminding me that there are signs out there. Do you see them?
Time to stand. And stand I will. I hope you will be there too.